


autumn leaves falling down (like pieces into place)

by baetokkis



Category: Red Velvet (K-pop Band)
Genre: Childhood Friends, F/F, Friends to Lovers, Valentine's Day Fluff, italicized oh, oblivious idiots
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-03
Updated: 2021-02-03
Packaged: 2021-03-15 04:48:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,127
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29183544
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/baetokkis/pseuds/baetokkis
Summary: It’s Valentine’s Day and probably not the best time for Seulgi to tell Joohyun she doesn’t feel the same way about her, but the last thing she needs is to hurt Joohyun. And as it turns out, Seulgi just cares way too much about her best friend's feelings.Or, in which they're both pathethic oblivious and a romcom situation is required.
Relationships: Bae Joohyun | Irene/Kang Seulgi
Comments: 2
Kudos: 83





	autumn leaves falling down (like pieces into place)

**Author's Note:**

> hellooo im back :) kinda wanted to post this on valentine's day but i got impatient so here it is 14k unbeta-ed (sorry for that) with yet another taylor swift lyric because i'm a cliche, yes
> 
> enjoy!!

It’s a Wednesday night, and despite being a week day, her last day at university comes with the feeling that tells Seulgi anything can happen tonight. 

She always gets like this after a long day, and gets more susceptible to anything anyone might offer. She suspects that this is why it all happens in the first place.

Joohyun is the one who suggests it, and Seulgi assumes that the only reason she accepts is because she’s taken aback by the idea that the invite is an option at all. So that’s how it goes.

Seulgi comes home with a terrible headache and she’s _exhausted_ from staying at university all day, so naturally, she stumbles into her apartment without turning the lights on. She barely notices the company until she’s shrugging off her coat and sees someone stretching their arms on her couch.

Maybe she’s sleep deprived, or maybe she just has really sharp instincts, but the point is that she’s not thinking clearly. So, like it’s the perfect solution, Seulgi tiptoes towards the stranger with a pepper spray she carries around in her bag for situations like this already in hand.

And it’s a terrible idea, really. She should’ve at least turned the lights on, because if she did, she’d easily realize it’s just…

“Hyun?” Seulgi croaks out, lowering the pepper spray and rushing her other hand to her chest, where her heart thumps anxiously loud.

Joohyun finally turns around, a sheepish smile curling her lips upwards as she glances at the pepper spray.

“Hi,” she hesitantly says. “I hope you’re not planning on using that on me.”

Seulgi snorts, because _of course_ Joohyun wouldn’t see the problem of sneaking into her apartment that late at night.

“Did you just break into my apartment?” she asks, instead.

“No.” A pause, then a tentative, “Does it count as breaking in if you gave me the key?”

Seulgi groans, dropping on the couch beside her best friend with a huff. “You’re awful. You scared me!”

“I’m sorry, Seul,” Joohyun whispers as she moves closer to Seulgi. She wraps an arm around her until Seulgi’s leaning on her shoulder. “Just wanted to see you.”

“Now I know you’re lying. No way you came all the way from your place just to see me,” Seulgi playfully argues, but brings herself closer to Joohyun either way.

“You have such little faith in me.” 

“I just know you too well.”

Joohyun giggles, her hands hesitating as she threads Seulgi’s hair. Another second of staggering silence goes by until Joohyun clears her throat and awkwardly continues her motions.

“It’s just that – I was thinking…”

“What a miracle,” Seulgi teases.

“— that we should go home,” Joohyun continues, promptly ignoring Seulgi’s antics without even hesitating. She’d been doing so for years now, it’s almost like second nature. “You have a couple weeks off before graduating, I can take some days off work and it’s your mom’s birthday in a couple days. Not to mention Valentine’s day!”

Seulgi can’t help but wince at the mention of _home_. They haven’t gone home in ages – mostly because they were so busy juggling work and university that it got difficult for them to find time to properly enjoy things like birthdays and holidays. But it’s Joohyun’s idea, and her best friend is usually the busiest between the two, so it’s nice that she cares enough to offer.

“Really?” Seulgi whispers, unsure, and touched. Joohyun merely shrugs like it isn’t a big deal.

“Yeah, it could be fun. Your mom was telling me about how you barely talk to her anymore since you’re busy and –”

“You’re talking to my mom behind my back?” Seulgi interrupts, and Joohyun scoffs. “Should I be worried?”

“Not at all. I know all the embarrassing stuff there is to know about you already,” she teases, bopping Seulgi’s nose before standing up. “Just thought we should head there and take our minds off for a while. I feel like you need it.”

And it’s earnest, and sweet, and Seulgi feels warm at how much Joohyun cares about her. But the reminder of it pains her a little, because this is _not_ how things should go.

She hadn’t thought much about it first, but over the past months, Joohyun had grown a bit too caring and… touchy. A part of her is _always_ touching Seulgi, always seeming to crave affection, and it didn’t surprise her at first, because Joohyun had always been one to like skinship, but it was never like that.

And then one night, when their friends had come to her place for an impromptu girl’s night, Sooyoung had cornered Seulgi while she was washing the dishes, knowing eyes flickering between her and Joohyun as she murmured, “So what now?”

Seulgi had frowned, not sure where that was going. She could never tell with Sooyoung. “What?”

“What are you going to do?” Sooyoung had insisted, like she knew something Seulgi didn’t. Her frown had deepened, and she followed Sooyoung’s eyes as she nodded towards the kitchen table.

Joohyun was there, giggling for winning yet another game against Yerim, and Seulgi gulped, realization finally dawning upon her. Their eyes met, just like every silly romcom Joohyun loved, and she saw how the smile on her best friend’s face subdued. 

It twinged in her chest, but then she offered her a sheepish grin in return and Joohyun’s smile was back, brighter than before. Even under the faint dinner room lights, Seulgi could still see how her eyes glimmered before she turned her gaze away.

“About her,” Sooyoung continued, and just like that Seulgi _knew._

“Oh,” she’d dumbly croaked out. “I’m not sure.”

It’s confusing. Seulgi had never had this… _problem_ before. Of course, she’s had to deal with friends crushing on her, friends who wanted more than what she could offer, but it never happened like this. Not with someone so close to her like Joohyun is. 

And she doesn’t know what to do with it, doesn’t know how to deal with the emotions that she doesn’t return beneath Joohyun’s gaze.

“Just… be careful,” Sooyoung said, with a pat on her shoulder followed by a knowing look. “I’m here if you need anything.”

And that was it. They’ve been going at it for almost two months now, and almost daily Seulgi is reminded of Joohyun’s eyes and _feelings._

“Seulgi?” Joohyun’s voice brings her back to reality, tone soft and eyes worried. “What’s wrong? Did I say something?”

She’s frowning, and Seulgi wants nothing more than to brush that frown away, kiss her forehead while she whispers _I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,_ over and over again.

Instead, she smiles, hopes to convey her sorrow through it.

“No, nothing at all. I’d love to go home with you,” she says, and just like that Joohyun is beaming as bright as the sun.

.

“It’s not that bad, you know,” Joohyun seems to feel the need to say, cutting through that awkward silence they were on ever since they arrived at the parking lot. “Yerim and Sooyoung are not that terrible.”

“That’s because they don’t tease you nearly as often,” Seulgi grumbles, throwing her suitcase and her backpack on the trunk of her car without any care. “Not as often as they tease _me,_ anyway.”

She’s not really sure how that happened, or what prompted it, but Joohyun had come to her place the night before, pouting and begging, “Please don’t be mad at me”. So, of course, Seulgi mumbled some lame excuse like _I could never be mad at you_ before Joohyun breathed out and said, “I might’ve said it was okay for Sooyoung and Yerim to come with us tomorrow.”

And now there they were, waiting for the two spawns of the devil to come. Seulgi couldn’t blame Joohyun, not when she knew well enough by now that Sooyoung and Yerim always got what they wanted. And it helped that Sooyoung offered to drive, so yeah, maybe she wasn’t all that bitter.

Sooyoung didn’t take long to arrive, and she had her signature smirk as she asked for the car keys. Yerim came right after, kicking Joohyun out of the passenger seat as soon as she got to Seulgi’s building.

So that’s how they ended up squeezed against each other on the backseat with Yerim’s baggage by their side – which was a lot, by the way. Seulgi had even teased her about how they were not moving there and she didn’t have to bring all that stuff. She got only a glare in response, and that was enough to shut her up through most of the road trip.

It wasn’t until Joohyun complained about being sleepy that Seulgi started to actually feel bothered by the unnecessary things Yerim brought along.

She’s about to complain out loud, say there’s no space for Joohyun to rest which is _so_ unfair, because Joohyun always works so hard and she squeezed a lot of her work stuff just to get some free time to go back home with Seulgi and –

“Don’t,” Joohyun mumbles, her voice raspy with sleep and low enough so their friends won’t hear. “It’s okay.”

“It’s not,” Seulgi disagrees almost instantly, just as Joohyun is about to rest her head against the window. Quickly, she holds Joohyun’s hand just to draw her attention. “Come here.”

Joohyun hesitates, and Seulgi feels her stomach churn with anticipation. This is not good. She doesn’t want to lead Joohyun on, doesn’t want to feel even more at fault for her inevitable heartbreak, but Joohyun suddenly smiles, and all seems to be right in the world.

Joohyun rests her head against Seulgi’s shoulder without another complaint, and Seulgi struggles not to move much as to not wake her up despite the bumps on the road.

At some point, she catches Sooyoung’s eyes through the rearview mirror and she squirms uncomfortably, as if caught doing something she shouldn’t. But there’s no teasing, only a knowing look and a nod of her head before the girl is back to focusing on the highway.

Seulgi shudders out a relieved breath, and unconsciously, tension drifting away from her shoulders, she snuggles closer to Joohyun and lets herself fall asleep too.

.

Home, as it turns out, hasn’t changed much in the years they spent away from it. The apple tree Joohyun used to take Seulgi when they were in high school still stands tall and proud on the park near their old school when they passed by, and there aren’t many new buildings around either.

And of course, Seulgi’s house is still the largest on Main Street.

“Hey, you never told me you lived in a mansion,” Sooyoung complains, slowly letting the car come to a stop in front of Seulgi’s parents house. 

“It’s not –” Seulgi starts, but there’s a nudge against her ribcage almost instantly, so she sighs, and corrects herself, “I never felt the need to.”

“Seulgi’s parents are pretty rich,” Joohyun explains, hand still resting atop of Seulgi’s stomach. “When we were kids she used to buy me the most expensive gifts and say it wasn’t a big deal.”

Yerim snorts, like she’s not surprised at all.

“You’re the one who does that now,” she points out, earning a roll of eyes from Joohyun.

But instead of answering, all she does is yawn like she hasn’t slept through most of the road trip, and bop her head to the directions of her parents’ house just down the street.

“Wait, I’ll take you there,” Seulgi offers, almost instantly, and Joohyun gives her a tired smile, eyes glowing but definitely not because of the moonlight shining upon them.

“It’s okay,” she says, shaking her head. “We’ll see each other tomorrow anyway. My parents won’t let us live if they don’t see you.”

Proud, Seulgi beams. “I’m their favorite kid.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” Joohyun relents, too tired to argue, and takes a step forward.

She hesitates – only for half a second – before her lips press against Seulgi’s cheek in a gentle peck. Seulgi flushes, but doesn’t ask why she did it. She _knows,_ and it hurts to see that Joohyun seems confused at herself for acting on impulse like that before she finally steps back to walk away.

The worst part of this whole situation is that Joohyun’s not even aware of it yet. Which is _absurd,_ considering her feelings are hers and no one else’s, but Seulgi had always been good at reading people, and she’s known Joohyun for a long time now. 

So it’s more than clear to her that Joohyun doesn’t _know_ her feelings yet, because she doesn’t act like someone repressing it.

It was almost painful at first, how she’s been forced to constantly be the one drawing a line between them, but now it doesn’t bother her as much as it did once. 

But it’s obvious how fast this _thing_ flourishes, like a persistent reminder of what Seulgi needs to do to make it stop. 

So she does what she does best and ignores it. 

“You think too loud,” Yerim complains, promptly recognizing the look on her face, and Seulgi snaps out of it with a sigh. She chuckles, then starts to carry her things out of the car before Seulgi can say anything. “Just don’t overthink it.”

“Yeah, don’t,” Sooyoung agrees, and pats Seulgi’s shoulder like she’d do with a child who’s behaved. “Isn’t your mother’s party tomorrow? Focus on that instead.”

Seulgi nods, absentminded, but Sooyoung is quick to catch on.

“Things will work out sooner than you expect,” she adds, ever the supporting friend.

There’s a hitch at the end of the sentence that makes Seulgi doubt her friend’s words, afraid she’s being mocked once again, but when she looks up to Sooyoung, the girl seems earnest, despite that strange glow in her expression.

So, she smiles, satisfied. This will be as good as she gets.

“Yeah, I guess they will.”

.

Her mom’s birthday party the next day, as it turns out, it’s as loud and as agitated as it is every single year. There’s music, and food, and so many guests Seulgi feel as though she’ll get dizzy if she has to greet one more person.

To her horror, Joohyun had texted before saying she’d be late and Yerim and Sooyoung are still upstairs even though the party has been going for almost an hour now.

And there she stands, in front of all those guests with a smile on her face that’s starting to wear her out.

It’s not much longer until that Seulgi’s eyes catch a glimpse of a few familiar faces walking through the bylines of her parents’ living room, and almost desperately to escape this new form of torture that is to host a party, she strides towards them with newfound determination.

Mrs. Bae smiles as soon as she spots her, her whole face twisting in a familiar sort of happiness. “Seulgi, darling! I was just telling Joohyun to bring you over so I could see you.”

By her side, Joohyun flushes, and she rolls her eyes to pretend lack of interest, but her eyes fail her. They always do, and Seulgi often finds herself fascinated by how easy it is to read Joohyun through them. 

“And I was just telling her you were too busy with the other guests,” her best friend argues, leaning slightly towards her father. 

“I’m never too busy for your parents, Hyun,” she says, a gleaming excitement for the opportunity to woo Joohyun’s parents once again. 

They’ve always liked her, she knows that since they were still kids, but Seulgi likes to keep them pleased with her. It’s as strange as it is important to her, and she can’t understand why she craves their approval so badly. Maybe because Joohyun is the most important person in her life, or maybe because she’d grown up with them as her second family. 

Mr. Bae seems happy with the flattery, but he’s never been very talkative, so he merely nods and smiles at them. Mrs. Bae, on the other hand, talks enough for all three of them.

“Ah, you’re still as sweet as we remembered you,” she mentions, laughing at her daughter. “How’s school going, dear? I was just telling your –”

She’s about to say something else, probably another compliment or utter an embarrassing childhood nickname mid question, when someone else walks to them.

Her mother, who carries herself with an imposing look but is anything but intimidating, stops at where they stand and rests a hand on Joohyun’s shoulder, who leans up at her almost instantly.

“I’m so glad you all came. It’s been a while since we were all together,” she says, genuinely pleased. Her eyes land on Joohyun, who still had that bright grin on her face as she looks back, and that seems enough to make Seulgi’s mom continue, “I just mentioned to your mother these days, you know we’ve been getting even closer lately–” Mrs. Kang announces, waving at herself and then to Mrs. Bae.

Seulgi stares at them, dumfounded, remembering her teenage years and the absolute torture it was to have them both as _friends._ She and Joohyun could barely do anything without them breathing down their necks, planning double family dates and everything else they could to further traumatize them. “Sounds like the beginning of all my nightmares.”

Joohyun snorts, and lightly elbows her stomach for the joke.

“— and we were thinking,” Mrs. Kang goes on, doing her best to ignore her daughter. “With Valentine’s day coming and such, maybe you guys should go to the town’s fair this year.”

There’s only a minute of silence flickering between them as Seulgi’s mom finishes her sentence, and Seulgi arches an eyebrow at the _suggestion._

It’s no surprise that her mom is more invested in her love life than herself. When she was younger, she’d often come to her saying she'd met a nice boy and that she wanted to introduce them. Which was useless, because Seulgi would always ditch them and go out for ice cream with Joohyun instead.

But when she turned eighteen, she came out as a lesbian to her parents, and so she hoped that the whole arranged dates would stop. Instead, ever the supporting parent, her mom had come to her saying she’s met a nice girl, excitedly asking if she wanted to meet her.

“I don’t think so,” Joohyun is the one who breaks the silence, looking confused as her eyes follow Seulgi hesitantly. 

“I think it might be fun. We’ll think about it,” Seulgi says before her mouth catches up with her brain, and she shrinks in place once she notices Joohyun glaring at her. 

Her heart squeezes, uncomfortable with the idea of dating, but then she thinks about this odd situation between her and Joohyun, and suddenly it makes sense. The only way Joohyun is going to get over her is if she meets new people, right?

Joohyun hesitates, frowning at Seulgi as if expecting an explanation, but when she gets nothing, she nods, forces out a smile. “Yeah, maybe.”

Both Joohyun’s parents seem pleased, and Mrs. Kang gleams with adoration at the lack of resistance.

She opens her mouth to say something, probably to _plan it,_ much to Seulgi’s horror, but something catches Seulgi’s attention upstairs, and her whole face lifts in relief once she sees what it is.

“Oh, our friends are coming,” she says, delighted to have found a reason to escape. She tugs Joohyun’s hand and clasps their fingers together, pulling her towards the stairs as she waves to their parents. “We’ll be back later! Have fun!”

As they walk towards the bottom of the stairs hand in hand to where Sooyoung and Yerim are, Seulgi laughs freely at the situation.

“What?” Joohyun asks, amused.

Seulgi shrugs. “I can’t say I missed that,” she explains, nodding to where their parents are.

“Me neither,” Joohyun agrees instantly, but for different reasons entirely.

Seulgi’s laugh dies down slowly, and she’s careful enough to not cut it off entirely not to draw any suspicion to her behavior. Almost as if noticing how awkward she turned in an instant, Sooyoung is the one who saves her.

“Joohyun,” she calls out, and Joohyun stares at her with an eyebrow raised. “Help me get some drinks.”

She doesn’t wait for a reply, already dragging Joohyun away before she can offer any resistance. Seulgi’s left behind with a gaping Yerim, who looks at her with an incredulous look.

“God, you’re useless,” it’s all she says, before she turns around to go to the improvised dance floor in the living room.

Seulgi can only follow her, lips twitched into a frown in agreement.

.

It doesn’t take long for Joohyun and Sooyoung to come back, both carrying enough drinks for all four of them. The party goes on, mostly uneventful, but the place is still crowded, and for some reason Joohyun seems to blend in perfectly, even more than Seulgi.

It’s funny, because when they were younger Joohyun would insist she’s not a people person – she does it to this day, actually – and Seulgi would always be the one to say otherwise.

Sooyoung seems to be thinking the same thing because when Yerim steps away to get more drinks, she waits for Joohyun to come back from talking to yet another guest to say, “You really like these people, don’t you?”

For a moment, Joohyun looks horrified, eyes wide as she watches Sooyoung in terror. “I do not. I’m just… I’m _polite.”_

Sooyoung snorts, not buying the lame excuse.

“I keep seeing you smiling at random people, from kids to elderly. Don’t deny it.”

“I don’t like anyone,” Joohyun shoots, looking actually offended as she rolls her eyes. Index finger pointed at the tallest between the three of them, she adds, “Especially you. You’re on thin ice.”

Seulgi frowns at the exchange, but doesn’t comment on anything. Not even when Joohyun arches an eyebrow, not even when Sooyoung shrinks in her place like silently complying to a secret agreement between them. Maybe something they talked about when they left to get the drinks before.

She doesn’t ask, she never does, but she grins when she feels Joohyun’s hand caressing hers for a brief moment, away from everyone else’s sight. 

And when Yerim comes back, already making a joke about how red Seulgi’s cheeks are, she ignores it as best as she can.

.

“You seemed so lonely out here,” someone says beside her, low enough not to startle her and it just brings shivers down her spine instead. 

Seulgi exhales deeply for the surprise, but her face softens as soon as she turns around.

“Seungwan,” she whispers, almost as if she can’t quite believe her eyes.

“Hey,” Seungwan says, just as excitedly, and Seulgi feels as though no time has passed since they last saw each other – years ago before Seungwan boarded on a plane to Canada. Except from the video calls they used to do a few years back. “Do you want to dance?”

Seulgi arches an eyebrow, carefully listening to the song playing in the speakers. It’s not a slow one, much less a couple dance, but when she eyes Seungwan to point that out, no words come out. She rolls her eyes at the offer, and nods, stepping forward to the dance floor. 

Neither Sooyoung or Yerim stop her, muttering a weak excuse to stay in the garden for a while, but when Seulgi catches a glimpse at where they were again, she sees how Joohyun can’t tear her eyes away from Seungwan, an unreadable look already settling on her face. 

.

There’s something wrong, Seulgi knows it like something inevitable. She’s still dancing with Seungwan when she sees it, but a pit suddenly forms in her stomach once her eyes land on a small figure by the corner of the room, eyes trained on the dance floor.

Seungwan must’ve felt it too, because slowly, she lets Seulgi go. Seulgi promises to come back later, and she earns herself a kiss on the cheek before Seungwan steps away.

“What’s wrong?” Seulgi whispers as soon as she gets close enough to Joohyun, now alone and suddenly gloomy. Her friend shrugs like there’s nothing to her quietness at all, but Seulgi knows better. “And don’t lie to me. You have this – this glare. Everyone’s scared of it.”

“Are they, now?” Joohyun snorts, but her gaze changes. It turns softer, more open, and Seulgi sighs with relief. She likes it better that way. “How am I doing that if I’m just here all by myself, ignoring _everyone?”_

“Well, the glare,” Seulgi replies as though it’s obvious.

Joohyun bites her lower lip, turns away. But answers, not very long after, with a hint of _something_ Seulgi doesn’t recognize in her voice, “I can’t help it. I’m not a people person. I’ve already told you I don’t like people.”

Seulgi scoffs, but feels that gentle bubbling on her stomach. _You like me,_ she wants to say, feeling almost immediately how her ears burn at the thought.

In the end, she doesn’t say anything, but reaches out and drapes an arm around Joohyun’s shoulders, just enough to bring her closer. Joohyun relents almost effortlessly, surrounding Seulgi’s middle with both arms.

“Well, what if I change this boring night of ours?”

Joohyun’s breath hits Seulgi’s neck when she snorts, and she struggles not to be too distracted by it.

“And how will you do that? The party’s alcohol is gone and well, I left my stash at home,” she says, mockery dripping over her words. 

Seulgi suggestively lifts an eyebrow once Joohyun looks up, grinning when she realizes how her friend’s eyes widened.

“No kidding,” Joohyun whispers, slipping away from Seulgi’s arms.

Seulgi laughs, looks around warily before she slips her hand inside her jacket. She pulls a flask out.

“I feel like we’re seventeen again, stealing mom’s licor while we think no one’s looking,” Seulgi jokes, and Joohyun giggles, lightly. “But remember to bring your own next time. You won’t always have my extra secret stash to rely on.”

Seulgi takes a gulp of the drink, wincing at the taste, and offers it to Joohyun right after.

Joohyun scoffs humorously, “As if I’d go anywhere without you.”

Seulgi freezes, heart thumping fast against her ribcage. _I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,_ echoes in her head like a broken record, but there’s not enough energy in her to say it out loud, not when Joohyun looks so earnest and beautiful underneath her living room’s lighting.

Instead, she carefully grabs the flask back and drinks a larger sip at once. Joohyun eyes her curiously, but silently, and offers a gentle smile.

“That’s not fair. I can’t take you everywhere,” Seulgi says, half-heartedly. Then, without thinking, “Can I?”

She looks up, and there is Joohyun, still watching her expectantly. Her lipstick is gone now, only a pinkish tone against her lips instead of the dark red she’d put before coming.

Suddenly, Seulgi feels dizzy, a hot feeling bubbling against her chest. Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to drink all that vodka at once, after all.

She grips Joohyun’s wrist, as if to keep herself in place (or is it to bring Joohyun closer?)

Joohyun grins, her eyelashes fluttering quickly like an unexpected jolt. “I wish you could,” she says, as if uttering a secret.

Seulgi feels more than actually sees when she moves closer, one hand trailing up Joohyun’s arm until it stops on the back of her elbow. There’s a gentle curiosity in Joohyun’s eyes as she does it, but she can’t bring herself to stop. She wants… she wants to do _something,_ and she’s not sure what this _something_ is. 

Maybe it’s just her guilt gnawing at her again. The pressure of knowing that Joohyun likes her more than a friend and she doesn’t like her back seems to finally be taking its toll and making her want to do things she usually wouldn’t.

“Right,” Seulgi croaks out. She feels warm and fuzzy, and she hasn’t had nearly enough vodka for that. “I wish I could, too.”

A hushed silence passes, both of them still staring at each other intently. Joohyun is the one to step back, slowly as if doubtful of what she should do, with cheeks red and eyes glassy.

Seulgi clears her throat awkwardly, and Joohyun offers her a brief smile before turning her gaze away. The moment seems dangerous, for some reason, with what Joohyun feels for her and her effort not to get her best friend’s hopes up.

“We should go,” Joohyun says, her voice low and unsteady. “They’re going to sing happy birthday in a bit.”

“Yeah, we should,” Seulgi agrees.

But she doesn’t feel the need to step away. Instead, she lingers, still holding Joohyun’s arm.

.

Joohyun has left once again. Seulgi can’t really blame her, not when everyone else is also leaving and they’re one of the few people left at the party. 

And then Seulgi finds her. 

It’s not like she’s being intentionally bitter, but she thinks that for someone who claims not to be a people person, Joohyun sure as hell wastes a lot of time with _people._

Now she’s in the corner talking excitedly with someone Seulgi can’t see well because of the lighting. Still, she tries her best (even standing on her tiptoes to the point they hurt) until she’s finally making a person out of the former blur their face was.

It’s Jennie, their friend from high school and Joohyun’s first… crush. She seems different now, more mature maybe, and Seulgi can’t keep herself from frowning as she stares at them.

Seulgi never liked her. She broke Joohyun’s heart back then, and even though Joohyun said she’d forgiven her a few months later, she’s still the one to blame, so Seulgi doesn’t. 

Yet, Seulgi can’t take her eyes away from them – not even when the music changes and they laugh and dance like a couple of teenagers.

It’s stupid, because Joohyun is her own woman and she does not owe Seulgi anything. But it’s also unfair because Seulgi suddenly feels this… this _anger_ bubbling up in her stomach as soon as Joohyun had said yes to this stupid dance.

She’s in dire need of a distraction, because if she doesn’t – then she’ll crumble. She can’t bring herself to think about her mother’s birthday, or the fact that her best friend is dancing with the last woman Seulgi would ever want her to.

And it’s almost a sign, because she’s curled up in the kitchen for almost two full minutes before someone comes beside her, eyes understanding and warm.

“Seungwan,” she asks, hoarsely. “What are you doing?” she asks, not tearing her gaze away from Joohyun, who still laughs and laughs on the dance floor.

There’s no answer for a few minutes, and Seungwan seems to take the moment to analyze Seulgi’s situation. And she probably looks pathetic, because when Seungwan opens her mouth to speak again, it’s to a, “I’m buying you a drink.”

Seulgi blinks, as if confused, but eventually lets her eyes flutter close and breathes out in relief.

.

Her plans involved catching up with an old friend, and not getting wasted. Somehow, at the end of the night, that’s what happens either way.

Seulgi doesn’t understand how, but when Seungwan tiredly pulls herself away from Seulgi's reach, her brain is struggling to catch up with her mouth and she notices that, for some strange reason, her lips taste like someone else’s lip gloss. 

It’s not until Seungwan says they should be going that Seulgi finally gathers enough courage to grab her phone and dial someone’s number. She tries for Sooyoung first, because she bitterly remembers Joohyun is _busy,_ and even though Sooyoung will tease her endlessly, she’s still her best option. 

“Hi! Can you…” she groans when someone picks up, words slurring together and not making sense at all. Seulgi breathes out, frustrated, and tries again. “Help.” That should be enough.

She ends the call before she embarrasses herself further, and sinks into the bar’s couch side by side with Seungwan. Seulgi eyes her curiously, gulping when she realizes her lip gloss is smudged. _Oh, no._

But there’s no malice in her eyes, and Seungwan only smiles fondly, not nearly as drunk as Seulgi is.

It’s almost one in the morning when someone saunters into the bar, posture stoic as she looks around for someone. 

Seulgi recognizes her, but not sure from _where._ She blinks leisurely, doing her best to remember her face, but she can’t make much of it – it’s all too blurry and too fast for her mind.

“You’re not Sooyoung,” she mutters, index finger pointing at the familiar stranger. “You’re an imposter.”

Which makes perfect sense. 

It’s definitely a woman though, but she’s smaller and her black hair is as straight as it can get, while Sooyoung’s brown hair falls in waves above her shoulders.

Vodka. She needs more vodka. 

The standing woman seems tired, and she says wearily, “You’re an ass, you know that right?”

And just like that Seulgi knows, her mind working quickly as she places the pieces together. Well, as quick as a turtle moving in quicksand anyway.

“Joohyun, you’re here!” she says bemusedly, and she stands up from the couch to finally go home. Her head buzzes as she gets up, and she leans against her best friend for guidance. “I thought you were busy.”

It sounds bitter, but Seulgi doesn’t bother apologizing. Joohyun doesn’t either, but gives her a pained smile as she starts walking towards the door. “Never for you,” she admits softly, before stopping mid-way to turn back and say, a little begrudgingly, “Thank you for watching her.”

Seulgi thinks she sees Seungwan nod, or maybe mumble something, but she can’t quite understand what it is through the haze right now. She lets herself be dragged to the parking lot, and Joohyun tucks her in on her own car (which is embarrassing enough).

“I don’t know why I thought this was a good idea,” Seulgi mutters embarrassed as her surroundings start to close in.

Joohyun smiles at her, and it’s the softest look Seulgi’s seen in her the whole day.

“I don’t know either,” she whispers, fondly brushing the stray hairs all over Seulgi’s face. “Come on. Let’s take you home.” 

And then Seulgi falls into slumber.

.

“I’m so tired,” Seulgi groans, as she stumbles to her bedroom, and she half-falls into her bed in her pants and button-up shirt and shoes and someone else’s jacket.

She doesn’t really know how she got there. Her mind is still hazy, and her memories flicker to a moment where Joohyun had dragged her out of her car but stayed behind to clean the mess she’s made. She tried to open the door to her parent’s house then, being pulled back by her best friend almost instantly because _apparently,_ that wasn’t the right house.

She’d dropped the key in the grass at some point too, and Joohyun had spent a little longer than she should to find it.

“Did you have fun today?” Joohyun asks, carefully, and Seulgi doesn’t know if she means the party or the drinking part with Seungwan. 

“I did!” Seulgi says brightly, and then groans at the headache that the enthusiasm suddenly brought along. “I’m just tired. I need to… to sleep.” 

“Okay. I’ll help you change into your pajamas,” Joohyun decides. 

“No…” Seulgi grumbles. “I’m comfy in this,” she says, which makes perfect sense and she doesn’t know why Joohyun looks so shocked and offended. She pats the empty space beside her and hopes her voice doesn’t quiver as she asks, “Lie down with me.”

Joohyun’s face darkens, and once she realizes, she shrugs it off, her features changing into something lighter.

“I should be going home,” she points out. “And you’re drunk.” 

“I don’t get drunk,” Seulgi replies. 

“Yeah, sure. You don’t get drunk, just chatty and bold.” 

“Yes, exactly. You know me so well,” Seulgi says, and she seems pleased by herself. She pats the empty side of her bed again, and Joohyun doesn’t seem to have much strength left, so she relents without much effort.

Like they’ve done many nights before, and many years ago in this same bed, Seulgi props up her jeans-clad leg to rest on top of Joohyun’s bare one, and snuggles closer to her like she’s the only warmth she’s found.

“I kissed her, you know,” she feels the need to say, frowning at herself for it. The memory comes in pieces, but it’s enough for her to know the kiss didn’t mean a thing. Didn’t even last long enough for that.

She feels Joohyun stiffen for a bit, before she relaxes. Probably understanding who she’s talking about. “Yeah, you used to date her.”

“No, I mean today,” Seulgi explains. “I kissed her, like, very quickly, and… she pushed me. She said I was not thinking straight.”

“Were you?”

Seulgi looks up and they are _so close_ that Joohyun’s lips are the only thing she can see. She watches as Joohyun licks them, and then turns them into a straight line.

A lump grows in her throat and she swallows hard before shrugging.

“I don’t think so,” she admits. “I just thought about you and that I should call Sooyoung to pick me up so you wouldn’t be mad.”

“But you called me instead. Not her,” Joohyun insists, and there’s something in her eyes pleading for Seulgi to be honest. Seulgi can’t, not when she’s not thinking clearly. “Why?” 

“I don’t know,” Seulgi breathes out, desolated and oh, so lost. She reaches up to cup Joohyun’s face, her warm breath against her face like a dream. “I just wanted to… I wanted –” 

“To kiss me?” Joohyun offers, and she seems shocked about it herself, but she doesn’t take it back. 

“To call you,” Seulgi says, tightening her hold on Joohyun’s cheek. “But that, too, I think. We’ve kissed before, didn’t we?” 

Joohyun doesn’t answer immediately, which is weird, because they’d already talked about that, hadn’t they? After the kiss all those years ago? Or did Seulgi imagine all that? She can’t remember.

“We were kids,” Joohyun says at last, and that’s not entirely true. Seulgi doesn’t know if seventeen is considered _kids_ when they haven’t been adults for long. She should probably think more about this when she’s sober. “And it was just a joke between friends. A silly game.”

Her voice is strained, and Seulgi exhales, guilty for bringing it up. “Right.”

Joohyun sighs, and when she looks at Seulgi, her eyes are soft and tired. “Sleep now,” Joohyun says, and she leans down to her, lips pressing against her skin with a buzz.

It’s gentle and chaste, but it brushes against her forehead and not on her lips. She’d be disappointed if not for the way that it makes her feel warm and happy nevertheless. 

Blindly, she presses her thumb against Joohyun’s cheek, running it along the skin softly, and despite the dark, Seulgi can’t decide whether she loves her eyes or her smile the most.

She chooses both.

Seulgi curls up by her side in bed still wearing her shoes and pants and button-up shirt and Joohyun’s jacket and dreams of harmless kisses.

.

The next morning, Joohyun is still lying on bed, face turned away from Seulgi when she wakes up and she doesn’t know if she’s relieved or upset at herself for indulging this.

There’s a headache rushing its way up and she doubts she’ll be able to stand being so close for any longer – not when last night and the admission is still so vivid.

So naturally, she runs for a shower. 

“You woke up too early,” Joohyun says on the other side of the hallway once Seulgi gets out of the bathroom. Her best friend’s eyes seem tired, something new gleaming beneath them that Seulgi does not try to recognize. 

Seulgi can only stare at her in breathless agony and regret. 

“Yeah, a headache.” She shuts her eyes and turns away, forcing her breathing to even out.

Joohyun’s gaze on her is hot, holding so much weight and she cannot stand this, so Seulgi excuses herself from the hallway and slips into the bathroom again. She stares at herself in the mirror and washes her face at the sink until she’s calmer and there’s barely any discomfort evident in her eyes.

When she returns to the hall, she can hear Joohyun saying goodbye to her parents and making excuses to leave before breakfast, and Seulgi watches her go with longing.

“What was that about?” Sooyoung says as soon as she steps into the kitchen, a half-bitten sandwich on her hand. “Things seemed pretty awkward.”

“I just woke up in a bad mood,” Seulgi lies. “It’s been a bad week.”

“Bad week,” Yerim is the one to echo, frowning at Seulgi as if she can read right through her.

It doesn’t seem like the right word to describe it, but Seulgi can’t find another one that fits.

Bad weeks are weeks she isolates herself from everyone else, focusing on her projects at university as if they’re not what’s making her sick. 

Bad weeks aren’t weeks where you almost kiss your best friend who has feelings for you and then pretend that, even for a moment, you didn’t want it too. 

“Yeah, it has been,” Seulgi insists ruefully. “It’s weird, really.”

But there’s no time to explain. Before she can even try, her mother is back in the kitchen, phone clutched in her hand, and Seulgi watches her curiously, confused as to why she seems so… upset.

“I thought you’d gone out with Seungwan last night. Not Joohyun,” she says, like an accusation, but it doesn’t hold as much weight. 

“Yeah. Joohyun brought me home, though. She even slept over because it was late,” she explains, before they read too much into it, and decides not to mention the drunken part. She doesn’t see how that might help her case. “I thought you’d deduced it when she was saying goodbye.”

“Yes, but I wasn’t expecting this!” Mrs. Kang waves her phone, so quickly Seulgi can’t see whatever it is she’s been trying to show her. “Oh darling, do you not trust me anymore to tell me these sorts of things? I thought we were past that…” 

And she sounds so _desolate_ that Seulgi can’t stand this any longer, and finally manages to grab her phone. 

Her stomach flips unpleasantly once she stares at the screen, and she suddenly feels nauseous.

“How –” But no more words come out, and she resigns to look at her mother in terror. 

Her mother sighs. “A mother always knows,” she says at last, and she eyes Sooyoung before staring at her daughter again. “And well, Sooyoung sent it to me,” she explains. “But she only went there last night because I was worried you’d trip and fall down the stairs, honey. I didn’t know you and Joohyun had–” 

“There’s nothing to know!” Seulgi says, voice hitched at the end, staring down at the picture with something foreign in her chest.

It’s a picture of her and Joohyun curled up in bed, and Seulgi has her arms around Joohyun and her lips on top of her head. Her mouth is slightly open, though, which means they’re fast asleep, but… there’s no way this picture is real. It _has_ to be doctored, because Seulgi wouldn’t sleep through this.

“We’ve slept together before, so I don’t know why you’re so–” Her mother’s eyes are even more wide now. “Have slept next to each other,” Seulgi amends. 

They’ve done so for _years,_ and they still do that sometimes but this is… different, somehow. 

She’s still staring at the picture by the time they all finish breakfast, and she leaves without a goodbye, thoroughly distracted.

.

She doesn’t find Joohyun after that. She goes to her parents’, to the park they used to go when they were younger, everywhere she can think of and still, _nothing._ Which is frustrating, to say the least, so she stays in her garden during the whole afternoon until Yerim stands in front of her, watching her with horror.

“Did you not move ever since I left?” she asks, and despite herself, Seulgi nods. Yerim barks out a laugh.

“I didn’t even see you leave, actually. I guess I was distracted,” she explains, and then the night before comes back to her. It’s mostly in flashes, but it doesn’t make her feel any less awkward as she recalls how clingy she’d acted. Especially for someone who’s been trying to set _boundaries._ There weren’t many of those yesterday. None at all, in fact.

“I can tell,” Yerim offers, and she sits beside Seulgi in the grass. “I went to Joohyun’s by the way.”

“Oh?” Seulgi perks up, giddy, and then her mood dims when she remembers how she couldn’t find Joohyun earlier. Maybe she didn’t want to be found, after all, and that makes her feel even worse. 

“She didn’t tell me what happened, but she looks sad and when that happens she keeps baking. My win, if you ask me,” Yerim says, letting out a strained laugh. She reaches her backpack, removing a small Tupperware from it and handing it over to Seulgi. “There were four different kinds of cookies cooling on the counter and she tried feeding me all of them when I got there.” She squints her nose. “You’re just as sulky, so maybe you deserve some after all.” She pats Seulgi’s shoulder, offers her a kind smile before she gets up to leave.

Seulgi mumbles a _thank you,_ and Yerim nods like it means nothing at all.

She’s trying the double chocolate chip one when her phone rings in her pocket and she tucks it out hastily to reply to it without even bothering to check who it is.

“Hyun?” she says, mouth full, and the laugh that follows is certainly _not_ Joohyun’s.

“Seungwan, but close enough,” Seungwan says, good-naturedly, and Seulgi shrinks in place. If it’s out of embarrassment or disappointment, she can’t tell.

“Oh, Seungwan. I’m sorry,” she apologizes quickly. “My mind is elsewhere.”

“No, it’s okay. It’s a bad time, isn’t it? I’m sorry I even –”

“No, not at all,” Seulgi rushes to say, chest heaving at the lie. “What is it about?”

“It’s just something you said yesterday, I wasn’t sure if you’d remember but –” She stops. “Never mind.”

“You can tell me, I promise,” Seulgi says, curious to know what it is. She can’t remember a single thing she’s said the night before. “I don’t really remember.”

“Yeah, I figured,” Seungwan admits. “You just asked if I wanted to go to the fair with you.”

 _Oh._ “Oh,” she says out loud, cheeks flaring crimson. She does _not_ remember that, but then again, she was wasted and not in the right mind. And yeah, she did try to kiss Seungwan but that was more of an impulse thing than an actual _want._ She doesn’t have feelings for Seungwan. Not anymore, at least.

“It’s alright, you don’t have to –”

“I’ll go,” Seulgi cuts her off, and if Seungwan’s startled by the quick decision, she doesn’t let it show in her voice. “What time do I pick you up?”

“You don’t have to. We can just meet there, at seven?”

“Cool,” she says, peering at her clock to see the time. Barely 5PM. “I’ll see you then. Seven.”

“See you, Seul.”

Seulgi turns off the call, staring at her phone before letting her brain adjust to the idea that she has a date. One day before Valentine’s day. She stares at the cookies on her lap, and even against her will, she imagines what Joohyun would say if she told her about having a date with Seungwan.

.

Seulgi doesn’t have to imagine it though. She stands in the meeting spot she’d arranged with Seungwan, but it’s half past seven and she’s not answering her phone. Which is odd, because being stood up by Seungwan seems very unlikely, and there she is anyway. Alone.

It’s not only more odd than seeing Joohyun arrive too, eyes lost as she searches for someone in the crowd. Seulgi’s the one who spots her, and awkwardly, she raises a hand for a wave.

Joohyun freezes when she sees her, and walks towards her even though she seems hesitant.

“Been stood up, too?” Seulgi asks, self-deprecation winning over her will to apologize.

“No, it’s just… Sooyoung and Yerim. They’re coming, too,” she says, and then her phone buzzes in her pocket. As she reads the text she just received, Seulgi sees how her expression grows harder, and she sighs. “Apparently not anymore. They’re going to eat somewhere else first.”

“Not the first time they do that,” Seulgi mutters, remembering when she’d been waiting at the mall for half an hour before Sooyoung texted that she was going to spend the night at Yerim’s place, which was across town. Oddly, she’d bumped into Joohyun back then, too.

“Yeah, it’s not,” Joohyun concedes.

“You didn’t show up,” Seulgi says after a beat of awkward silence. “I thought you were mad at me or something. I thought I’d ruined things. I couldn’t _reach_ you all day.” 

“No, I just... I was just thinking. I knew you’d want to talk but I – I didn’t,” Joohyun mutters, and Seulgi hears her and barks out a rueful laugh. 

“No, that’s fair,” Seulgi agrees. She takes in a deep breath before saying, “We don’t have to, you know. Talk, I mean.”

“We don’t?” 

Joohyun looks up at Seulgi with earnest eyes, and Seulgi shivers as she remembers – Joohyun in her arms, Joohyun kissing her goodnight, Joohyun’s eyes glimmering with all the affection in the world. 

She was so _selfish._ Using Joohyun’s feelings like that. 

“Yeah, we don’t,” she insists, not waiting for Joohyun’s reply, and she feels embarrassed how thin her voice suddenly sounds.

Joohyun’s eyes seem sad all of a sudden, but relieved nonetheless, and Seulgi tells herself that’s enough.

“Well,” Seulgi starts. “We’re already here, so we might as well have fun, right?”

Joohyun grins, tensions drifting away quickly as if it’d never even been there in the first place.

“Yeah, we can,” she says. Then, out of nowhere, she says: “You look really beautiful, by the way.”

It just comes out. Just like that. Then, Joohyun smiles. Slow like a flower blooming, so beautiful that Seulgi can’t look away from.

“Thank you, Hyun,” Seulgi says, and she’s not exactly thinking straight the moment she reaches over to put a hand on Joohyun’s soft cheek. It’s brief, but it’s warm, and she’s still not thinking clearly once she mutters, “You’re lovely,” and runs her knuckles along the sides of Joohyun’s cheek.

“Oh,” Joohyun breathes, surprised, and Seulgi pulls her hand back with guilty gnawing at her once again. 

Suddenly remembering something, she beams even wider, desperate to change the subject. 

“Wait, come here,” Seulgi asks, slipping a hand between Joohyun’s. “I want to show you something.”

It’s a booth in the middle of the fair, right beside the ferris wheel where they can see couples on each booth, beaming and laughing as the wheel spins around. Seulgi doesn’t focus on that, but she sees how Joohyun’s eyes stare intently at it, so she tells herself maybe they can go there later.

“What’s this?” Joohyun asks after a while, watching in awe as Seulgi pulls out a piece of paper from one of the boxes. 

“It’s kind of a quiz. It’s fun,” she reassures her. “I did this before I started dating Seungwan and they paired us together.”

“Oh,” Joohyun says, quickly understanding what it is. “Then how do we do it?”

“Basically we just fill out our information, and then what we like and what we don’t like, and they call us on Valentine’s Day to say who we’re paired up with,” Seulgi explains, and noticing the wary look on her best friend’s face, she adds, “It’s fun! I promise.”

“Sure it is,” she snorts. “Wait, did you say Valentine’s Day? Isn’t it tomorrow?”

“Well, yeah,” Seulgi sheepishly admits. “That’s why the box is stashed safely in this booth. So no one can tamper it.”

“And we’re doing exactly that.”

“Just two more sheets.” Seulgi shrugs. “No biggie. People used to do that all the time when I worked here as a volunteer.”

“I’m sure they did.” Joohyun laughs, and there’s no weight in it, and she’s suddenly relieved to notice it. “Now give it to me, I want to finish this quickly so we can go to the ferris wheel.”

So yes, Seulgi knows her well. And she knows her _so_ well that she’s not surprised at all when she’s finished her own sheet and hears Joohyun let out a surprised yelp, “Dateability? How would I know that?”

Seulgi scoffs. “Come on, how dateable do you think you are? On a scale of one to ten.”

Joohyun frowns, lips twisting into a pout as she says, “I don’t know. I’ve never thought about it.”

“You must have thought about it, at least once,” Seulgi insists. “How good as a girlfriend are you?”

There’s a hesitancy flaring in Joohyun’s eyes, one that Seulgi knows too well. Joohyun had always thought so little of herself in aspects like this, which doesn’t make sense _at all._

“I don’t know,” Joohyun repeats. “Six, seven? I’ll put seven.” And then she’s scrambling on the paper again, painting the circles to match the rate.

Seulgi laughs lowly, but not in a belittling way. The last thing she needs is for Joohyun to feel insecure about filling the sheets.

When Joohyun’s done, Seulgi pretends to stash both their sheets inside. She waits until her friend is not looking, too distracted to pay attention to anything else, and quickly adjusts a few details before actually putting them back, sneaking out of the booth carefully as to not be seen. 

And then of course, Seulgi brings her to the ferris wheel. 

Sighing thinly, Seulgi stares at the city beneath them as soon as their booth rolls up and she turns her gaze away just as quickly. Her stomach churns, but it’s not only because she’s anxious, and something tells her she might throw up if she’s not careful enough.

In front of her, Joohyun seems happier than Seulgi’s seen her lately, and it brings a strange comfort to her chest. It doesn’t last long – they’re moving faster and she feels like this is her end.

“It’s so out of character how much you love the ferris wheel even when you’re terrified of heights,” Seulgi croaks out, trying to mask out the fear, and Joohyun giggles at it. Her laugh dies down slowly though, and when Seulgi lifts her eyes to her again, she seems worried.

“You okay?”

“Yeah,” Seulgi says, in a high pitched tone that’s awfully unbelievable. “I just –” She swallows thickly. “I feel sick. Maybe it was the cookies.”

Joohyun frowns. She opens her mouth to argue, _twice,_ before she closes it again and settles on, “Did you eat my cookies?”

Face contorted in pained admission, Seulgi nods carefully, and she hears more than sees Joohyun’s disapproval. She can’t really focus on anything else with how dizzy she feels.

“You absolute idiot. Do you ever think with anything other than your stomach?” Joohyun scoffs, but her worried tone doesn’t fade even when she teases her.

Resolved to avoid a fight tonight, Seulgi shakes her head slowly and pouts. Joohyun seems to soften at that, and she pats the space beside her so Seulgi can sit by her side.

And so Seulgi does. 

They stay together in a warm silence. The fair lights are in full force at their feet, and moonlight illuminates the tops of Joohyun’s cheekbones to expose the soft creases around her eyes when she turns around just slightly to glance at Seulgi. 

Strangely, Seulgi can’t find it in her to look away. There’s an awkward pull around her heart that forces her to keep staring at Joohyun beneath the stars, which glow beautifully in the night sky like it was made for them only. 

She presses back more firmly against the seat once she realizes what she’s thinking.

She tells herself it’s just been a long day. Just one hell of a day.

“You know, I gave you a ten on dateability,” Seulgi says after a while. Joohyun stares at her. “Before putting our sheets back, I changed your answer to ten.”

“That sounds highly presumptuous,” Joohyun snorts, and after a pause, she asks, “Wait, you think I’m dateable?” And she sounds confused now, her voice hoarse.

“I think you’d be an amazing girlfriend, and anyone would be extremely lucky to date you,” Seulgi says, and well, this is just Seulgi being a supportive friend. There isn’t anything more into it. Definitely not. “I don’t think any of them would deserve you, though.” 

Unconsciously, she reaches over to squeeze Joohyun’s hand, probably offer some support to boost her lack of confidence in the dating department, and a tremor runs through her once she feels how cold her hand is. She warms it up instantly, covering both of Joohyun’s hands with hers, and when she looks up, their eyes are locked together. 

It’s _terrifying_ that Seulgi feels as if anything can happen right now, like nothing else matters and they’re jumping off a bridge with no safety net below and –

And then everything stops.

Seulgi doesn’t notice it at first, thinks it’s only one of those stops they make to assure everyone can be on top for a while. But she waits a second, then another, and another, and _nothing._ They’re still frozen at the highest spot. 

Realization seems to hit Seulgi then. “Oh, no,” she croaks, her throat closing in despair. “No, no, I’m not doing this right now.”

She can feel a pool of sweat gathering at her forehead, her surroundings getting blurrier and blurrier, but there’s nothing she can do, so she slaps her hand against the sides of the booth, loud and harsh to rattle even those in close booths, but nothing happens.

“Hey,” Joohyun calls out, a hand reaching out to stop Seulgi from doing anything reckless again. “I think –”

“I know this won’t work, I’m not stupid,” Seulgi says, and despite the initial intention to sound angry, her voice carries nothing more than defeat and Joohyun hears it too, leaning against her to offer some support.

Joohyun doesn’t bother saying something else, but hums quietly under her breath. She taps her fingers against the back of Seulgi’s hand, clicks her tongue a few times, and that’s reason enough for Seulgi to concede she’s nervous too.

“I’ve read about this sort of thing, you know,” she says, and that sentence alone is enough to spark some curiosity within Seulgi.

Seulgi hums in acknowledgment, and looks up to the ceiling in an attempt to forget how high they are. “Getting stuck on a ferris wheel?” At Joohyun’s nod, she asks, “Then how do we get out?”

“Oh, there’s nothing we can do,” Joohyun admits, a disappointed hitch at the end. “We just got to wait it out.”

“Then what did you read about it?”

“Just like… it’s kind of a romcom thing,” she explains quietly, and Seulgi struggles not to scoff because _of course_ it’s a romcom thing. “The characters get stuck together after a fight and they don’t get out until they make up. This is usually when two people need to be forced together to talk about something they’re not talking about — they’ll get stuck in an elevator for an indefinite amount of time and somehow end up fixing things.”

“Good thing we’re not fighting then,” Seulgi says, like it’s the most obvious thing to say, but there’s something… odd, about the explanation. She can tell by the way Joohyun had paused, the way her eyes flickered over Seulgi’s face expectantly. 

“Sometimes the characters aren’t fighting either,” Joohyun continues. “Sometimes they just – it just happens so they can be together.”

Her eyes fall onto Seulgi’s lips for a moment, quick enough to be dismissed if Seulgi wasn’t so good at reading Joohyun.

“That doesn’t sound very romantic,” Seulgi mumbles like a stubborn child.

Joohyun laughs. “That’s just because we’re both scared of heights.”

“You don’t seem scared,” Seulgi points out. Which is true. Joohyun doesn’t look scared at all, but she knows that’s just because she’s very good at hiding her feelings. Well, most of the times anyway. “And I know it’s stupid, but I’m terrified.”

Joohyun’s gaze becomes more gentle, understanding, and Seulgi feels her eyes welling up. She thinks about Joohyun looking at her lips, about the night before and how selfish she’d been. And maybe she deserves to be here after all. 

But she doesn’t deserve Joohyun. And it’s proof enough by the way she can only think about kissing her right now.

It’s cruel, she knows, because even though her feelings are heightened by the fear of being here, Joohyun’s aren’t.

“How can you be so calm?”

“I’m always calm,” Joohyun answers, no teasing remarks, no jokes. Her eyes and smile are just as beautiful and honest and Seulgi has to struggle to remember what she’d asked. 

“No, that’s not what I –” She takes in a ragged breath. 

This feels too close to walking on dangerous waters, as if inviting heartbreak. Seulgi had always been careful to never mention or to never hint she’s aware of Joohyun’s feelings, scared to put Joohyun in an awkward position or to accidentally force a confession where she’ll be rejected right after. 

But this is different. She can’t _understand_ this and she needs an answer.

“Why are you so calm?” she repeats, and the obvious cadence in her voice is nearly enough to make her give up. She doesn’t.

Joohyun beams up at her, and it feels stupid to think that this, whatever Joohyun’s feelings for her are, are anything but selfless adoration.

“Because you’re here,” she murmurs. 

Seulgi’s heart thumps wildly, and she feels as if she’d fall if she weren’t sitting. Her head is swimming in guilt and care for her best friend and –

“It’s okay,” Joohyun murmurs, and presses a soft thumb against the top of Seulgi’s cheek, wiping quickly below the eye. 

And Seulgi only weeps harder – not only afraid to be up so high anymore, but of the loss that’s about to come. She knows it’s inevitable. She can’t keep Joohyun as a friend, not when she has this need to do anything she can just because she doesn’t want to see Joohyun upset.

And it’s a terrible mistake, but for now, Joohyun makes her forget the reason to hesitate.

Seulgi leans forward, presses her lips to Joohyun’s and Joohyun stops. The whole _world_ stops for a moment, and Seulgi is still kissing her when it crashes back in, is still leaning in as Joohyun’s hands settle on her cheeks to keep her in place. 

She can barely feel when the ferris wheel starts spinning again, doesn’t even realize they’re still kissing as they go up and down one more time. 

When she comes up for air and pulls away, she does so with a smile that Joohyun mirrors and then – _oh._

This is definitely _not_ just a need to keep Joohyun happy, no. This is so much more and the weight of it hits Seulgi like a truck.

It seems very silly, all of a sudden, that she ever doubted her feelings for Joohyun, that this is anything but a love one shouldn’t have for a best friend.

Her smile doesn’t fade, neither does Joohyun’s. In fact, she’s smiling so big Seulgi doesn’t even remember the last time she’d seen her like this.

It’s only then that she realizes she’s still crying, tears spilling down her cheeks and nose, and Joohyun is probably disgusted. The thought of it only makes her cry harder, and she swats a hand over her face to stop it.

Joohyun doesn’t let her. She holds Seulgi’s hand until it falls back on her lap, and the hand on her cheek trails up.

“God, you’re messing up your whole makeup,” she murmurs.

Joohyun brushes the pads of her thumb smoothly around the dark smudges on one eye and then on the other, and Seulgi thinks this is probably a dumb way to fall in love. 

She had loved so recklessly, so thoughtlessly, and now she’d found herself in the middle of it years later, tripping over the small moments instead of the large gestures, over a hand that wipes away a smudge.

And that’s all the certainty Seulgi needs, that maybe they can make it work. It makes perfect sense now. Maybe they can be together.

But then, the booth stops so they can walk out, and the real world seems to flash in Joohyun’s eyes. She pulls her hand back, and when the door opens automatically, Seulgi reaches to grab her hand and closes it around thin air as Joohyun runs through the park.

.

She can’t find Joohyun after that. Not in any of the booths, not near the park, not even on the way back home. Her whole body trembles with dread, heart wrenching in her chest at how badly she fucked up this time.

She stands in front of her house later that night, mind going a hundred miles per hour as she thinks _I just kissed Joohyun_ and _I’ve wanted to kiss Joohyun for a long time._ It’s exhausting, and she’s so scared of what that means. Maybe she’s read the signs wrong and Joohyun doesn’t feel the same way, but it’s too late – she’s already imagined a whole future.

It’s not until she hears footsteps approaching that she realizes how pathetic this scene must be. She’s on her knees in her garden, bloodshot eyes and smudged mascara.

“Hey,” Sooyoung says, at the exact same time Seulgi feels a jacket being draped over her shoulders. “Not exactly how you planned on spending your night, huh?”

Seulgi looks up at her, and sees Yerim by her side, just adjusting the jacked. 

It’s a very Yerim thing to do, somehow, because it’s both caring and unnecessary since she had been wearing a jacket of her own and wasn’t feeling cold. Still, it’s the effort that matters.

Yerim is all about the details. She keeps an eye on the tiny things and offers support when she thinks it’s barely noticeable to anyone on the outside. But Seulgi notices it all. Except for the fact that she might be in love with her best friend for years now.

“Not really,” she says stiffly.

She wants to ask why they didn’t come to the fair, why neither Sooyoung or Yerim asked what happened. Instead, she leans against them, and takes the comfort that’s offered.

.

Sunday comes, and Seulgi has no desire to get out of bed. She wonders how long she can stay without food or sunlight until her body begins to beg for it, but not even that she can manage. 

The day seems to drag in, too long for Seulgi to even think about gathering enough strength to do anything, and then something catches her off guard.

It’s a text, one that claims to be the responsible for the pairing arrangements of the fair yesterday and all Seulgi can do is stare blankly at the text because _of course_ she’d been paired up with Joohyun. She’s that unlucky. (Or is it lucky? Between brooding and reliving what happened the day before, she can’t really tell.)

Surprisingly, it’s Joohyun who comes to her first. She’s at the porch admiring the oh so interesting grass when Joohyun strides in with a careful twitch at a corner of her mouth. It’s not a smile, but close enough.

Seulgi looks up, bleary-eyed and exhausted, and feels pathetic.

It’s almost painful how Joohyun reacts. She exhales when she sees Seulgi, like she’d been holding in a singular breath for the whole day, and Seulgi feels like the worst person in the universe. 

“Hi,” Seulgi says, in a voice with a touch of bitterness. Not for Joohyun, though. Never for her. “So you finally deigned to grace me with your presence?” 

“I know you wouldn’t manage without me for too much,” she jokes, and Seulgi relaxes. “Apparently I was right. You look like you haven’t slept in weeks.”

The thing Seulgi can’t talk about is still there, obvious in Joohyun’s gaze and in the way she stiffens when Seulgi stares for too long.

“I’m sure I’d manage,” Seulgi teases, quickly looking away, and then remembers the text she got earlier that day. “So I guess you won a date with me, huh? Just buy me a lot of wine and we can call it a successful match.” 

It’s supposed to be a joke, but Joohyun’s eyes suddenly become even more dim, and she sighs.

“You know what happened last time you got drunk. Maybe it’s not a good idea.” Her voice is solemn, and determined, and Seulgi doesn’t know if she’s happy or devastated by the way out she’s offering.

“You’re right,” Seulgi says at last. “It’s just – we always spent Valentine’s Day together.”

Which is embarrassingly true, because they were both – as Sooyoung liked to remind them – pathetically single.

Sooyoung always liked to meet new people, have fun, and so did Yerim, but Seulgi and Joohyun always liked the comfort of spending the day with someone they trusted.

“When you put it like that…” Joohyun trails off. “Yeah, I guess we could do that.” 

Finally, _finally,_ there’s a hint of a smile on Joohyun’s face. 

“So does this mean we have a date?”

The word _platonic_ echoes in her head, but she doesn’t voice it. She can’ handle it. But it must be clear in her voice because Joohyun relaxes and nods, smiling brightly at last.

“We sure do.”

.

It’s up to Seulgi to decide what they’re going to do, and so she settles for something simple – a picnic like they used to do when they were younger. The difference though, was that their friends would always come with them. 

It was at a picnic like this that Seulgi first kissed Joohyun after all. It didn’t count as a real kiss, Joohyun had insisted, because it was a dare and they were both a little lightheaded, but Seulgi had enjoyed it nevertheless.

She wonders, now, if Joohyun did too.

But being with Joohyun here and now feels… different, this time. Heightened, like she’s been living in a blip of silence and sound comes crashing back in whenever she’s around Joohyun again. She’s doing her best to behave, struggling to act _normal_ as if nothing happened at all, but it’s too much. Joohyun is too much, her feelings are too much.

That’s precisely why she didn’t want to cross any lines before. She knew this would happen, but she wasn’t expecting to be the one feeling like this, Seulgi won’t cling onto the hope that Joohyun might _– God,_ even thinking about it now feels like a different reality.

“You cold?” Seulgi asks, a little late into the night, once she sees Joohyun shivering a few centimeters away.

Joohyun nods, but makes no move to change that.

The sky has faded from a pale yellow-orange into a dark blue, and there are no stars today. The moonlight is not even enough to enlighten where they are, so they rely on the fire Seulgi struggled to set up while Joohyun waited in the car. 

“Come sit down with me,” Seulgi asks. “It’s warmer here.”

Joohyun merely shrugs, too proud to admit she can’t stand the cold because she’d refused to bring a coat when Seulgi asked her to.

“Please,” Seulgi tries again, “Sit with me by the fire.”

She probably sounds desperate, weak, because after a pause of consideration Joohyun slowly sighs and makes her way to Seulgi’s side.

“Liar,” she grumbles, stretching out her legs beside Seulgi. “It’s still cold.”

“Sorry.” She chuckles, and she brings herself closer to Joohyun, shoulders bumping together and bringing a comforting warmth to Joohyun. “Better?”

“Better.”

It’s easier like this. If they don’t talk about it maybe they can go back to the way it was before, maybe they can act like neither of them got carried away or…

“Did you like it?” Seulgi asks, because she’s not that strong after all. It sounds vague, and it can be easily misinterpreted, so she adds, “This. Being here.”

“I guess it’s alright.” She rolls her eyes good-naturedly, and Seulgi groans at her stubbornness. 

“Come on.”

“I'm bitter and hard to please. It’s one of my many charms,” Joohyun jokes, taking a swig of the wine she’d brought. “You have to get used to that.”

“Please, we both know you're a big ball of mush inside,” Seulgi challenges, and takes her own glass to fill with more wine. 

“I'm not. I'm fierce and scary.”

“Sure you are,” Seulgi snorts. “But seriously. This is a date. I'm pouring repressed romance into this, reliving our teenage years’ kind of crap, so this may be a little corny? I mean, I’m sure you had better dates but I thought —"

“Seulgi?” Joohyun asks, interrupting her from rambling, and Seulgi promptly lifts her head up to focus on what she’s about to say.

“Yeah?”

“This is perfect.”

Seulgi grins, ignoring the tug in her chest that reminds her this is only temporary, that Joohyun won’t want anything else with her anymore, so the smile fades away slowly.

Joohyun’s too, for a completely different reason. Her whole face twists from absolute joy into downright disgust in seconds.

“I’m sorry,” she announces suddenly, breathing heavily like she’d just ran a marathon, and sliding away from Seulgi. “I can’t do this. I can’t – I can’t stand between you and Seungwan, not when she makes you happy and I –”

As if there’s any happiness without Joohyun, her exasperated kindness and affection that make Seulgi feel as though she’s the most important person in the whole world. 

As if she can ever be happy without Joohyun by her side, laughing at anything she does, eyes flashing with worry whenever Seulgi so much as blinks too much. 

Seulgi resists the urge to roll her eyes, finally placing the pieces together, finally _understanding_ where Joohyun’s coming from. 

She takes in a slow breath, quivering when she sees how Joohyun’s eyes are flickering with tentative hope. Shakily, she tugs her in for a kiss and feels almost instantly that click of something mending, healing, as if they’re doing something _right_ for once. 

And it seems right. _This._ Her and Joohyun, together.

That is until Joohyun takes another step back, the dread only growing in her face.

“Oh, no, Seulgi… I’m so sorry. I never meant to…” There are tears slipping down her cheeks, and Seulgi can only gawk in panic at what she’d done. “I _used_ you… I –” 

“Used me?” Seulgi echoes, aghast. 

Joohyun looks up, struggling to keep her tears at bay and Seulgi tries her best to keep hers from coming too just from the sight of Joohyun’s watery eyes. 

Of course Joohyun would think that. Of course her selfless, self-doubting Joohyun would blame herself for Seulgi’s messes.

“This is not your fault, at all. You can’t blame yourself for what I –” Seulgi goes on, horrified. “No, that’s not what happened. The only person who used anyone was me. I took advantage of your care for me and…” 

“Care for you?” Joohyun repeats, and it sounds a lot like an offense to her. “I’m in love with you, Seulgi.” 

Seulgi swallows, the confession feeling like a blow to the face more than anything. She takes a step back, and her chest heaves at the word _love_ finally being said out loud.

Regret seems to dawn on Joohyun’s face then, and she recoils quickly at her own behavior.

“I’m sorry.”

Seulgi tilts her head to the side, slowly recovering, and she can almost feel the edges of her mouth tugging up to a smile. She refuses to let it show.

“Why are you sorry?” She sounds genuinely curious but also a bit shy and her stomach fills with warmth at it.

“What?”

Seulgi shrugs, repeating quietly, “Why are you sorry? Why are you apologizing?”

“Uh,” Joohyun mumbles, taken aback by the question when the answer sounds so obvious to her. “For kissing you?” 

Seulgi’s gaze falters, and she hesitates before asking, “Do you regret it?” 

Joohyun snorts out a laugh, which seems as good an answer as it is. And this is it. It feels like years of piled up love and admiration and care coming down at once. It feels like the end of something exhausting and the building of something worthy of keeping.

“Joohyun, baby,” Seulgi says in an almost sigh, the pet name slipping from her lips like she’s used to it, her gaze both endeared and exasperated. “Did you not realize I was the one to kiss you?”

Joohyun pales, frowns, and she stands up straighter as if only now realizing that’s exactly what happened.

“You really did,” Joohyun manages. 

“I’m in love with you too,” Seulgi mutters, and a part of her is relieved. Set free. “I think I’ve loved you for quite some time now but I –”

She moves back, feeling just as pale as Joohyun looks, with eyes just as glittery, and fear rushes through her veins. 

“This date is not nearly good enough to confess my feelings now,” Seulgi murmurs, and she sniffs, belatedly realizing she’s now crying too. Embarrassing. “You know what? Maybe we should try again–”

“I love you,” Joohyun says instead, and Seulgi feels as though her world has just shifted onto its axis, then back to where it belongs. “I love you,” she repeats, and Seulgi holds Joohyun’s hands as she drops to her knees in front of her. “I love you,” she whispers, like a secret, and she leans downward as Seulgi kisses her lightly.

“I love you,” Seulgi whispers back, lips pressed together. She deepens the kiss, tangling a hand in Joohyun’s hair.

“Saying ‘I love you’ on a first date? You must really want to get laid tonight.” Joohyun says against her mouth, clicking her tongue. She stops, frowns, and then says, “Or just trying to charm me into buying you more wine. Maybe both.”

“Idiot,” Seulgi mumbles, and cups Joohyun's cheeks, kissing her with every fiber of her being screaming for the need to touch Joohyun.

Seulgi’s clothes are covered in dirt from she kneeled on the ground and her jeans are torn in the knees when they get in the car to get back home, and it’s worth it because Joohyun is laughing like sunshine incarnated and Seulgi can’t help but laugh with her.

.

“So…” Seulgi starts, uncomfortable with the idea of going home without Joohyun. She doesn’t want to waste any more second, but it’s too soon to tell anyone, and they’ve both agreed that they don’t want to shock anyone yet. “This is me.”

Seulgi points at her parent’s house, only a few steps away from where they stand, and Joohyun nods thoughtfully.

“This is you,” she agrees, pouting a bit.

“We’ll see each other in the morning,” Seulgi reminds her, even though she wants to pout and act like the child too.

“First thing in the morning,” Joohyun says, and she’s leaning forward for a hug, or a kiss, or both, when the door suddenly creaks open.

They stand there, in this awkward between-kiss-hug position, and _Seungwan,_ of all people, stare back at them amused.

“So you did it,” she gleefully says, and Seulgi tries her best not to grin at the sharp tug of Joohyun’s hand on her wrist.

“What?” Seulgi echoes, a bit distracted, and Seungwan merely waves a hand between them.

“Got together with Joohyun.”

Seulgi frowns.

“Wait, you knew?”

“Well, pretty much everyone.” Seungwan snorts, pointing at the windows this time, and Seulgi arches an eyebrow when she sees both Yerim and Sooyoung at the bottom, and her _parents_ at the top.

Seungwan steps inside the house, and although she’s dizzy with the information, she grasps Joohyun’s hand and brings her along inside.

“Everyone?” Joohyun echoes, and much to Seulgi’s horror, this time, her mother is the one to explain.

“Of course, darling,” she says like it’s obvious. “Do you know how hard it was for the mayor to allow the ferris wheel to stop? Lucky for us he's been a friend since my teenage days and owned me a favor.”

“You did that?” Joohyun asks again, snuggling closer to Seulgi like offering support because she knew how nervous she was.

“Come on, guys,” Yerim starts, and she drops on the couch unbothered by the utter look of despair on her friends’ faces. “You can’t possibly think the ferris wheel was empty despite having so many people at the fair. It was a brilliant idea, actually.”

Seulgi scoffs, baffled, and she looks at Sooyoung, the only one who hasn’t said a word about the whole thing except for her dad, but all she does is shrug like she doesn’t really care.

“We knew about your feelings for Joohyun, just like we knew about hers for you,” she offers. “And well, it didn’t seem fair to expose either of you to each other but you figured Joohyun’s feelings out either way.”

Seulgi’s shoulders slump down in defeat, and she says, “You knew about my feelings before me?” 

She looks at her father this time, and she expects, hopes, for support from him. Instead, he barks out a laugh.

“Honey, you’re great at reading people but you’re the worst at reading your own feelings. Which is confusing, but well, here we are.” And then sips on his beer.

“Couldn't you... I don't know, be more discreet about it? A simple nudge like ‘hey kid, I think you're in love with Joohyun,’” Seulgi suggests, a little begrudgingly, to which her father snorts.

He merely looks at her with a hint of a smile on his lips, resting one of his hands on Seulgi's shoulder.

“Trust me, you needed more than a gentle nudge,” he says, and her mother agrees, nodding thoughtfully as he goes on, “So you got a kick instead, congratulations! You were always as subtle as a bull in a china shop for everyone else but you... And I'm guessing for Joohyun, too.”

Seulgi turns to Joohyun then, sees how her eyes are gleaming with affection and love and thinks that if that’s how she looks when she stares at Joohyun, then it makes sense. She understands how everyone is aware of it, and she doesn’t mind it.

“Hi,” she says, low enough for only Joohyun to hear, and she’s grateful that everyone’s doing their own thing now.

“Hey.” Joohyun giggles. “So much for keeping it low, huh?”

“Yeah,” Seulgi laughs too, and her eyesight strays to where Seungwan stands, leaning over to Sooyoung almost unnoticeably. “How long do you think until Sooyoung asks her out on a date?”

Joohyun follows her line of sight, and frowns. “Do you really think they –”

A loud sigh is heard by their side, and Yerim’s frustrated voice is practically a groan as she says, “God, you’re both so oblivious. Seungwan asked Sooyoung out on your mom’s birthday.”

Seulgi whips her head so quickly she’s surprised it doesn’t crack. “She what?”

“Well, don’t be so surprised. She wasn’t pining for a relationship that barely lasted a month for _years,”_ Yerim snorted. “It was a team effort.”

And then she leaves again, winking at them one last time, and everything seems to fit in.

Seungwan’s invite to go to the fair and then not answering her call, Yerim and Sooyoung not showing up either. How did she miss that?

“We really are oblivious, aren’t we?” Joohyun whispers, and she doesn’t look nearly as desolated as she sounds.

Seulgi beams, brushing her nose against Joohyun’s cheek. “Well, yeah. But we’re here now.” She pulls back, forehead resting against Joohyun’s.

“Yeah, we are.”

“See, honey, the way you look at each other… That’s how I –” Her mother starts in distance, always in time to ruin the mood, and that’s when her father hisses, “Come on, they’re having a moment!”

Joohyun is the one to laugh first, while Seulgi takes a moment to feel embarrassed for her parents’ antics.

She laughs along after a few seconds, and slips a hand to the back of her neck and easily surrenders to this peaceful ecstasy. She doesn’t say anything, but settles on bowing her forehead against Joohyun’s, holds it there and feels as if there are flowers growing and growing from her heart.

**Author's Note:**

> find me @ twitter tinyrene if u want :)


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